I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Randomize
