Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
is it just me, or are high schoolers getting sexier?
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
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