this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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