i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
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