I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
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