youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
No subtext here. People are naked.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
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