i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
