Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize