The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
