I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
