I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Randomize
