R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Success! We fucked roommates!
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
