Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
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