you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize