think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
