I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
Randomize
