in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Randomize
