I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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