did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
