About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
