I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
i think my cat just said my name.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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