my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
