She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize