There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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