Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Randomize