I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
our cab driver is having phone sex.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
