This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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