How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
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