i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
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my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
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