i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Alcohol and video games. A solid Friday night. Even before covid
Randomize
