walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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