She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
