my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
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