Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize