I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
