i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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