We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
used his ipod to set the mood...1st song was livin on a prayr 2nd song was disco stick
i expected more from guys that i meet at the jersey shore.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
