I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
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