She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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