I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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