The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
