I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
