I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
Question. Was fucking Laura an entirely regrettable decision?
like...quickly.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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