College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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