I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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