So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Randomize
