The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Semen is not good for contacts.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
