Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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