I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I woke up in nothing but my socks and my hat a cigarette in my mouth and a beer in my hand..........GREAT NEW YEARS
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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