i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
