Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Its about making memories worth repressing
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Randomize
