These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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