I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
