I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
There are leaves in my underwear?
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
