you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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