Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
