How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
someone owes me an orgasm
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Randomize
