Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
Randomize