I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
