dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
