be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
