i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
