I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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