if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize